September 11, 2005

Emotionally drained

That's the perfect title for this post. I have no one to share my feelings about this with so here I go. Anyone who reads this will probably think I've offically lost it and maybe I have..

I am so emotionally drained. The last week has been so hectic, more so then usual. Last Wednesday I went to the local carpet store and picked out carpet and tile. I realized (thanks to dh) that they were extremely overpriced so on Thursday (?) I went to Kearney with the kids and picked out carpet there. They came over and measured everything on Friday, then they called yesterday (saturday) and found some cheaper carpet/tile. Once again the kids & I loaded up and went back to Kearney and looked at the carpet/tile. In between all that I got stood up by the home decorator (sp?) who is going to paint our front room, kitchen & hallway. She finally showed up 2 days later and gave me an estimate. Much more then I expected but I think by the time it's done it'll be cheaper..she'll bill us per hour if it's cheaper and we've done work with her before so I trust she can get the price lower then 600.00 (she quoted us).

And Im an emotional mess with this job thing for dh. We haven't heard anything yet and I would be lying if I said that didn't bother me, it does. Dh is now saying that he doesn't think he'll get the job, after he told me a week ago he felt pretty confident, so now Im loosing my confidence in it also. And it's just turning me into a mess. I can't sleep, I lay there in bed and my mind is going 100 mph with all the stuff I have to do for a possible quick sale, and then my mind crashes when I think about us not moving. I get so depressed just thinking about it and my stomach turns into mush. Which in turn I get massive poos which I've had for about 3 days now. I asked dh tonight if I should do some looking online for something else in the MN area, and he didn't seem to enthuised (sp?) so I don't know what to do. I DO NOT want to stay here. I know that now. A week ago I was literally back/forth at the thought of moving. But I want to be home!! I want to be with our families. I want to go to our neices/nephews school activities and I want people to come to our kids activities. I want to be there for b-days, parties, get togethers, family functions, everything. I feel so cut off here and alone. Troy works so hard all the time which leaves me home alone with 3 kids to take care of. I want to go to the park with their cousins, my family. I want my FIL to enjoy these precious grandchildren while he can, and I want everyone else in the family to be a part of this triplet experience. This is a once in a lifetime thing, not everyone can say they have triplet neice/nephews and I want them to share in it. Is that to much to ask?? I keep praying to God, telling him again and again that I want to move back to MN, begging for him to hear me.

I've even contacted the special needs preschool in the area up there. Isn't that awful?! Talk about putting the cart before the horse. I've gone over in my mind again and again what Im going to say to our friends here, to the kids teachers about us moving. How to break the news to my friend Jane, etc.

If we end up not getting this job I really don't know what will happen to me emotionally. I feel like I literally would crash, or maybe it would be a huge relief. It just feels like we are so close to getting what we want, I can see it..I can picture us moving..I can see our new house being built up the hill from my inlaws. Speaking of that I've even looked at modular homes from a dealer up there and found a house I want! God it's sick. And we haven't even talked to dh's parents about the possibility of buying some land from them for that purpose. Im excited about getting a job at a place where I can work from home, a LEGIT work from home job. I've got it all all comes down to if we get that call this week and if the $$ is right. It's so much much is riding on this. My entire well being is in this company's hands.